I'm a big Quotes guy. You'll hear me talk/write about two things a lot: The Mean Reds and Simple Like A Mountain. Both from quotes that have meant something for me along the journey that has been the 29th and 30th years of my life. (You can find both on the Quotes or About pages). I just find that the worst part about depression, anxiety, or the Mean Reds, is that when they hit you the right way, they can really, really get you thinking that you are the only person on Earth who feels this way. When I read a quote, or hear a song, or watch a film that seems to really understand where I'm at, man, I feel seen and heard and understood. Even if there's no real solution in the message, sometimes I find that I don't need a solution bigger than the solution of 'Oh thank God, I can't be the only person who has felt this way.' That feeling-- that yesssss, exactly! The 'me too!'
In Germany, the translation for 'How are you?' is 'Wie geht's?" This is one of the very few phrases I learned before moving here. Want to know how often I heard it within my first year ...hmm, I'll be generous and say twice. It's just not a thing. My friend, Vince, who is a hilarious German comedian (if you can believe there's such a thing) has a bit about this. He tells it better than me but essentially the only person who asks how you are is your doctor. In the States, everyone says it but no one actually wants an answer. They want a "fine and you," that's it. (His words, not mine) But geez, it's true. And I'm kind of tired of saying it. When people ask how I am, I say 'fine' and ask the same question and that's that. Until I go home, and spout all my problems to my partner. That's a lot of pressure for one man. (No, but really). When people say "I'm living vicariously through you," or "I'm so jealous of your life," I awkwardly laugh and don't say anything, because that phrase is simple like a mountain. Because the photos I post are as wonderful and exciting as they seem, and the smiles are as authentic as they are portrayed. I am happy and I am living, ok. But then there are the days in between where 'fine' is just not true. When I have an encounter with a cashier where I feel useless, when I can't communicate a thought fully to my future in-laws, when I get so insecure and full of self-doubt that I get in my own way. Hello, I'm Kara- Queen of self-sabotage. I've stopped saying 'fine' to the people closest to me. I've stopped trying to end emails and texts with a quirky anecdote to lighten the tension. And they are always willing to sit in the tension with me. And I feel seen, heard, understood, and it helps.
You know what doesn't help? Instagram, the shaming response "you live in Europe with P & G, what is there to be upset about?", and the conversations with people you consider close who refuse to meet you in your vulnerability. I gravitate toward the people who are willing to show the Man behind the curtain and say this is my past, this is the crap I sometimes still pull, and I am amazing but today I don't feel like it. These articles that are meant to provide confidence for creative types-- you know, JK Rowling was rejected blah, blah, blah times. Jim Carrey slept in his car because blah, blah, blah. Keep at it, everyone faces rejection. NO ONE IS TELLING THESE STORIES WHILE THEY ARE SLEEPING IN THEIR CAR. NO ONE IS TELLING THESE STORIES AS THE REJECTION COMES IN. I want to see Publisher's Rejection letters postmarked TODAY because that is the stuff I am dealing with. It's so easy to tell a struggling person that you struggled (past tense) but why is no one talking about the struggle in real-time. After attending AA, Glennon Doyle said, "uh, this was great but is there a reason we can't talk about this stuff in public to normalize these feelings. Can I only be authentic and broken in a church one hour per week?" This brings me to the 'why'. I wanted to start this blog for three reasons:
1. --because we live in a world that is so obsessed with 'self-brand' creation that it loses reality. We put ourselves in this box, branding ourselves Runner, Musician, etc. so when we are not feeling the track or the music this week, we feel inadequate or 'not ourselves'. I branded myself happy-go-lucky Personal Trainer who loves helping women, so when I lost that platform, I felt like a lost puppy dog. And that's the danger of putting yourself in a box. I am realizing I don't have to be one thing. When I told my therapist that I don't like this version of myself, she quickly reminded me 'this is not a version, this is you in a stressful, transitional period and this is how you deal with that and you are still you.' And it's true. Some days I'm the 'me' that's thrilled out of my mind over a scoop of ice cream and others, I could cry at my hair tie snapping. In an edited world, I want to be real with you. I want to tell you that things are not always what they seem. I want to share my journey with you in its entirety. I hope to have some really amazing travel and life experiences to continue to share, but I'm also tired of feeling ashamed about the tough stuff, so I'm going to share that too.
2. --because it has come to my attention that many times we feel it's not fair to share our Mean Reds. It's like that tiny, adorable friend you have that complains about her body and you just roll your eyes. I think we have to stop doing that. I can't tell you how many times I have started to express my fears and sadness and depression, and then stopped because I think 'I am traveling Europe with the man of my dreams and no real worry in the world.' It isn't fair for me to feel depressed right now. The Mean Reds mean you are afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of, and every single person is entitled to that feeling. It feels like every time, I take that step, every time I speak out the thing that is weighing me down, the person I speak it to has something they wanted to say too. And again, I can be seen, heard, understood. And I can see, hear, and understand.
3. To give you a platform to share without getting what Brene Brown calls 'a Vulnerability hangover'-- when you share and then feel immediately regretful and well, hungover. There is a Contact page and you should feel free to write down your story, your Mean Red. Maybe you found a good method for getting out of that (mean) Red Zone and you want to share. You can let me know if you'd like for me to turn reply mode on or off, and whether or not you'd like to remain anonymous. Please know in advance, your story and your feeling matters to me and I'm so grateful any time any person decides to share.
So, here goes the start of my story. Last year, I fell in love with the man of my dreams, moved into a Frankfurt apartment with him, became engaged, have the most adorable dog, and despite feeling like the luckiest girl alive, sometimes I am so freaking scared of losing the things I care about that I can't even function. Sometimes I am so freaking sad and scared that I push the people I love most away from me. I guess it's in the same vein as the 'you can't fire me, I quit' defense mechanism. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it until it's too late and the damage is done. In between the beautiful travel photos I share, there are awkward and empty and broken conversations that lead me to a complete and total emotional breakdown because I am on a second-grade reading level in this country and it breaks my heart thinking about the meaningful things I could share with another person if it weren't for that. But if I am being honest, it's often more self-involved than that. I hate not being good at something, and more than anything, I hate feeling doubtful and insecure. I am still learning how to learn. Stephen Chbosky said in Perks of Being a Wallflower, "So this is my life and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." I'll share more as I go, and I hope that in doing so you feel less alone in your feelings. I hope we figure it out together, but if we figure out nothing at all, at least we'd get to know we are not the only one.
XOXO- K
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